Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station