Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
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(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I love it
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”