Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
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Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
never compromise your values
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!