Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
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What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
your honor my client chooses dare