Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
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I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
You can’t rush stupid.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.