Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
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*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.