Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
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My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
black phone good
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.