@thatUPSdude

Sometimes It’s nice just to sit with the person you love.

But then it has to get all awkward and her husband is all “Why you at our table?”

You Might Also Like

@SeanBlazed

The best thing about the Transformers trilogy was the part in the first one when my brother went to go get popcorn and fell down the aisle.

@pilau

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

@Adam14

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

@joelebean

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

@Darlainky

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

@krisv_723

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

@babyblue0924

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

@HenpeckedHal

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

@Playing_Dad

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader