Sometimes It’s nice just to sit with the person you love.

But then it has to get all awkward and her husband is all “Why you at our table?”

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The best thing about the Transformers trilogy was the part in the first one when my brother went to go get popcorn and fell down the aisle.


me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help


Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?


Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.


I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.


Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?


Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.


torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that


If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader