“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
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Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
translated into Canadian
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐