The best thing about the Transformers trilogy was the part in the first one when my brother went to go get popcorn and fell down the aisle.
Sometimes It’s nice just to sit with the person you love.
But then it has to get all awkward and her husband is all “Why you at our table?”
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me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Her: “What are we?”
Me: “We aren’t.”
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader