Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
What if all the cashiers are married?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES