Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.