Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.