Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?