Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Oh my God.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
What?
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children