Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
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Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
im 7 sauces long
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They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.