Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
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a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
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It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.