Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

I’m about to risk it all