Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

Go hard or stay average

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

I remember when yoga was called Twister.