Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
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A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
She was REALLY feeling it.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
a god among men
I wish I could veto my bills.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.