Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
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Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
A completely valid reaction tbh
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably