sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
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A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby