sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
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Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I like crazy people until they notice me
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car