Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
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Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
me doing my best
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
definitely did not do anything wrong
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me