Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
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Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again