Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

Me : I will never work for my boss again…

She : Why ? What did he said to you??

Me : ‘You are Fired’

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

Orange cat behavior 😂

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.