sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
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When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Somebody’s lying.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
