Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

a McRib killed my tapeworm

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

doing your own taxes

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

I’m so full I could puke a horse

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.