Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.