Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
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I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!