Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

just leave it at the foot of the bed

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

pelicons

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.