Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

Yoga Matt

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast