Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”

“no, what’s it called?”

“the Nu variant”

“yeah what’s it called”

“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”

“haha wow, who named it that?”

“yes”

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?