Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
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An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”