Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
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Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
welp
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
calling in to work dehydrated
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve