Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
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When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
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Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
How I’d get arrested…
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“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
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[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.