Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
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jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Is anyone gonna tell them?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.