Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

ㅤ

Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies