Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
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Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
The hardest thing Vision has to do
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Happy Febuary everyone!
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.