Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears