Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

🤯🤯🤯

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

Breaking news:

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.