Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
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Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
i meant to share this earlier
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I need a horror movie where a kidnapper abducts a possessed child and finds out.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
it takes so much energy
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off