Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
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The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.