Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
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tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
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Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
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Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?