Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
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Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
making my dog give me my pills
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.