sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
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I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us