sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
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“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
A wise man once said nothing.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.