Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
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celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!