Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
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having a job is cool but everydayyy???
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.