Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
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911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards