Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
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My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh