Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
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The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
If you are reading this then you are reading this
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.