Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
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You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Room with a view.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!