Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
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My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today