Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
You Might Also Like
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here