Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
You Might Also Like
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.