sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
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If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Sometimes? I’m slipping
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over