sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
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Roses are red, you always mattered,
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
My inexpensive home security system…
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass