Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello