Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
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My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Self-cleaning conscience
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.