Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
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WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.