@Daveastated

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

You Might Also Like

@JasonLastname

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

@joeljeffrey

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

@truegritrumble

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

@WheelTod

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

@ScobeyWanKenobi

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

@_wildmilk

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

@david8hughes

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

@CooIStepDad

[zoo]

“This is the bear kids”

Wow I want his arms

“What? You cant ha..”

*kid shows tour guide 2nd amendment*

“Bring him the arms smh”

@AsgardianRose

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.