LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
You Might Also Like
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
“This is the bear kids”
Wow I want his arms
“What? You cant ha..”
*kid shows tour guide 2nd amendment*
“Bring him the arms smh”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.