Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
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I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.