Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
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Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.