Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Those are good neighbors.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question