Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
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HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.