Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
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Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
