Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
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You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
technically true but not a great slogan
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.