My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
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PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Me: so u don’t test for it but u say none of them have it?
Owner: we’ve never come across a cat with martial arts training, no
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
You all hate smokers until you need to light a birthday cake…