Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

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My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.


PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)




ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now


My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.


party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which


It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.


Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.


“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.


[cat shelter]
Me: so u don’t test for it but u say none of them have it?
Owner: we’ve never come across a cat with martial arts training, no


I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece