Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
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My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Animal poetry
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24