Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
You Might Also Like
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
u spoke cat all this time??????
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
awesome draft from months ago i just found
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot