Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
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every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Look at this
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
some things should go without saying
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
That’s what I call a flat tire
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”