Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
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[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
Like sleeping!