Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
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Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
A family that plays together cheats.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
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Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
🤣😂
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Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .