Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
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Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?