Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
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[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good