Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
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Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it