Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
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Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline